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The Worst Blog Post In The History Of Man
Mar. 13th, 2008 | 01:38 pm
Elaine Cunningham posted a very sensible list of what makes for a bad blog entry, which you can read here. I enjoy the occasional challenge, so based on those guidelines, I’m going to take a crack at writing a fake Worst Science Fiction/Fantasy Writer Blog Post In The History Of Man:
I got up this morning and I was just soooooooo depressed. I mean, I was watching my girlfriend beat up people at a bar with a baseball bat, and someone came up to me and said they didn’t like my book! So my girlfriend hit him with the bat, and the next thing I know, we’re in jail. I mean, WTF!? I was so upset I had to go home and spend time with my three cats, and post several hundred pictures of each one of the Internet.
Life’s just not fair.
But I do have good news on the writing front; I’m involved in a SOOPER SEKRIT project I can’t tell you about. In fact, I can’t even tell you that I can’t tell you about it, and if tell you that I can tell you about, men in dark suits with silenced pistols will appear on my doorstep. Okay, but I can tell you just one thing: it involves Jimmy Hoffa meeting the complete cheerleading team from the 1967 Green Bay Packers. And there are libertarian space aliens. Who explain how to solve our current political crisis in great detal. But I can’t tell you more!
But when not working on the SOOPER SEKRIT project, I’ve been cleaning my closet. There was this nasty fungus-thing growing back there, and it got really out of control, because it ate my landlord. I mean, like, ATE him…I can’t find any bones back there. So I like freaked out and threatened to sue, because I have a lot of skeletons in that closet. I mean, it’s hard to find good rental housing with adequate space for skeleton storage. But after the fungus ate two more maintenance guys and a claims adjuster, the new landlord sent up a guy with a flamethrower, and I’m going to get a new closet. SQUEE! I promise to post lots of pictures.
And on another note, I feel I should set the record straight about what happened at the most recent meeting of the Scientifical Fictional: Book Authors of America! (SF:BAA!). The Sub Committee to the Adjunct Committee to the Committee on Paperwork (East Coast Division) submitted its report concerning the correct way to count paper at the SF:BAA! offices. Now I know lots of people have been going around on the Internet claiming that the committee is actually headed by a deranged cannibal who enjoys feasting upon the bones of small children (and created a lot of Photoshop work to that effect), but that’s just not true. I know a guy who’s married to the cousin of the uncle of the niece who’s married to the guy who lives three blocks down from the committee chairman, and HE says that the committee actually recommended to stop counting the first page in each box of paper, since it’s usually all wrinkly. Needless to say, this has caused an Internet firestorm. It’s just so ridiculous; do these people think we’re pixel-stained technopeasants or something?
All that has got me depressed. Here’s a LOLCat:
Ha ha! I love LOLcats! Isn’t atrocious grammar funny?
And then I took an online quiz. Apparently, if I were a 19th century American president, I would be Millard Fillmore (though I’m 28% Chester A. Arthur, and 17% Franklin Pierce).
###
I wonder if the inventors of the digital computer ever realized how much data storage would go towards pictures of cats doing bizarre things.
-JM
I got up this morning and I was just soooooooo depressed. I mean, I was watching my girlfriend beat up people at a bar with a baseball bat, and someone came up to me and said they didn’t like my book! So my girlfriend hit him with the bat, and the next thing I know, we’re in jail. I mean, WTF!? I was so upset I had to go home and spend time with my three cats, and post several hundred pictures of each one of the Internet.
Life’s just not fair.
But I do have good news on the writing front; I’m involved in a SOOPER SEKRIT project I can’t tell you about. In fact, I can’t even tell you that I can’t tell you about it, and if tell you that I can tell you about, men in dark suits with silenced pistols will appear on my doorstep. Okay, but I can tell you just one thing: it involves Jimmy Hoffa meeting the complete cheerleading team from the 1967 Green Bay Packers. And there are libertarian space aliens. Who explain how to solve our current political crisis in great detal. But I can’t tell you more!
But when not working on the SOOPER SEKRIT project, I’ve been cleaning my closet. There was this nasty fungus-thing growing back there, and it got really out of control, because it ate my landlord. I mean, like, ATE him…I can’t find any bones back there. So I like freaked out and threatened to sue, because I have a lot of skeletons in that closet. I mean, it’s hard to find good rental housing with adequate space for skeleton storage. But after the fungus ate two more maintenance guys and a claims adjuster, the new landlord sent up a guy with a flamethrower, and I’m going to get a new closet. SQUEE! I promise to post lots of pictures.
And on another note, I feel I should set the record straight about what happened at the most recent meeting of the Scientifical Fictional: Book Authors of America! (SF:BAA!). The Sub Committee to the Adjunct Committee to the Committee on Paperwork (East Coast Division) submitted its report concerning the correct way to count paper at the SF:BAA! offices. Now I know lots of people have been going around on the Internet claiming that the committee is actually headed by a deranged cannibal who enjoys feasting upon the bones of small children (and created a lot of Photoshop work to that effect), but that’s just not true. I know a guy who’s married to the cousin of the uncle of the niece who’s married to the guy who lives three blocks down from the committee chairman, and HE says that the committee actually recommended to stop counting the first page in each box of paper, since it’s usually all wrinkly. Needless to say, this has caused an Internet firestorm. It’s just so ridiculous; do these people think we’re pixel-stained technopeasants or something?
All that has got me depressed. Here’s a LOLCat:
Ha ha! I love LOLcats! Isn’t atrocious grammar funny?
And then I took an online quiz. Apparently, if I were a 19th century American president, I would be Millard Fillmore (though I’m 28% Chester A. Arthur, and 17% Franklin Pierce).
###
I wonder if the inventors of the digital computer ever realized how much data storage would go towards pictures of cats doing bizarre things.
-JM