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Explain Starbucks to me
Nov. 13th, 2007 | 01:58 pm
I find myself totally baffled by Starbucks.
I mean, what’s the appeal? I’ve had Starbucks a few times myself, though not recently. I recall paying entirely too much money for a disappointingly small cardboard cup. Furthermore, the cup felt rather lighter than it should. Looking within, I discovered that the beverage consisted mostly of foam. There was maybe two or three inches of actual liquid at the bottom of the cup.
So, essentially, I paid five bucks for a cardboard jar of foam.
This is obviously not a great value for your beverage dollar. Yet I see Starbucks everywhere. This morning I saw a group of volunteers setting up a blood drive, and every last one of them had a Starbucks cup. Starbucks is near-ubiquitous among office workers; I know several people who literally are unable to function until they’ve down their morning latte grande (or whatever the heck it’s called).
Why do people throw away their money like this? I’ve no idea, but I’ve formulated several theories:
-It’s a status thing. Like, how people in 18th century England would walk around with black teeth to show they could afford sugar, or teenagers with $100 shoes and $300 iPods. It says “look at meeeee, I can afford a cardboard jar of foam!”
-It’s a coffee thing. I’m not a coffee drinker myself, but I’ve always assumed coffee was about the caffeine. Well. It turns out there’s a whole universe of coffee connoisseurs out there. Like wine snobs, except for coffee. They’ll go on and on about burnt beans versus fine-ground versus Colombian versus Brazilian. Starbucks, therefore, is the coffee connoisseurs’ equivalent to the wine club.
-Starbucks coffee is actually laced with some form of CIA mind control serum, rendering it super-addictive.
-Starbucks is in fact an esoteric cult devoted to world domination. This would explain the obscure and esoteric terminology (“grande”, “venti”, “whip”). And doesn’t the Starbucks logo look exactly like some sort of pre-Christian pagan goddess? Or maybe it’s a Lovecraftian-style cult, and Starbucks has been laboring in secret to bring back dread Cthulhu and the other Great Old Ones.
I dunno. Maybe people just think it tastes good. But I lean towards the Cthulhu explanation, myself.
-JM
I mean, what’s the appeal? I’ve had Starbucks a few times myself, though not recently. I recall paying entirely too much money for a disappointingly small cardboard cup. Furthermore, the cup felt rather lighter than it should. Looking within, I discovered that the beverage consisted mostly of foam. There was maybe two or three inches of actual liquid at the bottom of the cup.
So, essentially, I paid five bucks for a cardboard jar of foam.
This is obviously not a great value for your beverage dollar. Yet I see Starbucks everywhere. This morning I saw a group of volunteers setting up a blood drive, and every last one of them had a Starbucks cup. Starbucks is near-ubiquitous among office workers; I know several people who literally are unable to function until they’ve down their morning latte grande (or whatever the heck it’s called).
Why do people throw away their money like this? I’ve no idea, but I’ve formulated several theories:
-It’s a status thing. Like, how people in 18th century England would walk around with black teeth to show they could afford sugar, or teenagers with $100 shoes and $300 iPods. It says “look at meeeee, I can afford a cardboard jar of foam!”
-It’s a coffee thing. I’m not a coffee drinker myself, but I’ve always assumed coffee was about the caffeine. Well. It turns out there’s a whole universe of coffee connoisseurs out there. Like wine snobs, except for coffee. They’ll go on and on about burnt beans versus fine-ground versus Colombian versus Brazilian. Starbucks, therefore, is the coffee connoisseurs’ equivalent to the wine club.
-Starbucks coffee is actually laced with some form of CIA mind control serum, rendering it super-addictive.
-Starbucks is in fact an esoteric cult devoted to world domination. This would explain the obscure and esoteric terminology (“grande”, “venti”, “whip”). And doesn’t the Starbucks logo look exactly like some sort of pre-Christian pagan goddess? Or maybe it’s a Lovecraftian-style cult, and Starbucks has been laboring in secret to bring back dread Cthulhu and the other Great Old Ones.
I dunno. Maybe people just think it tastes good. But I lean towards the Cthulhu explanation, myself.
-JM