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All I Want For A White Christmas Is A Jingle Bell Rock To The Two Front Teeth
Nov. 10th, 2007 | 08:10 pm
Went to the grocery store today, and they were playing Christmas music.
Ye gods.
Various people have told me that I shouldn't say I "hate" various genres of music, Hate, they say, is a powerful, toxic emotion, and shouldn't be expended upon something as trivial as pop music tunes. Fine. I get it. Hate is bad. So I won't say that I hate Christmas music.
But I reallyreallyreallyreally don't like it. And some of those musical gems have earned just special places in my heart. I don't think the guy who wrote "Jingle Bell Rock" should be shot or anything like that, but he should stand trial for Crimes Against Humanity. As for "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth"...well, let's just say that kid's lucky he doesn't lose all his teeth.
And as for those people walking around in a "Winter Wonderland", I rather hope they're not found until spring.
The guy who sings "I'll Be Home For Christmas" will probably arrive home to find that no one wants him home for Christmas, because they've heard his blasted song ten thousand times over the last two months.
And few songs inspire as much despair as "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas" because that song is an omen, a harbinger if you will, like the moon turning to blood or the seas boiling, and you know that it's only the vanguard of a seething Four Horseman-esque horde of Christmas music.
I'll bet the guy who sang "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow" never had to dig out fifty feet of driveway under two feet of snow using only a worn-down plastic shovel.
Perhaps "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", but I hope he misses his exit.
A "White Christmas" is great fun, right up until your car goes off the freeway.
But the single worst Christmas song ever has to be "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" by Alvin & The Chipmunks. That nightmarish little ditty storms into unspeakable realms of awfulness. To paraphrase horror writer H.P. Lovecraft, it sounds like "the thin monotonous piping of a demoniac flute held in nameless paws". This song, I am sure, plays forever in Hell's waiting room.
Why do the stores do this? Why does every gas station, grocery store, mall, retail outline and EZ-Lube-Change joint of the face of earth start playing Christmas music come November? Nobody likes it!
Hear me, retailers: promise not to play a single Christmas song, and I'm your customer for life.
-JM
Ye gods.
Various people have told me that I shouldn't say I "hate" various genres of music, Hate, they say, is a powerful, toxic emotion, and shouldn't be expended upon something as trivial as pop music tunes. Fine. I get it. Hate is bad. So I won't say that I hate Christmas music.
But I reallyreallyreallyreally don't like it. And some of those musical gems have earned just special places in my heart. I don't think the guy who wrote "Jingle Bell Rock" should be shot or anything like that, but he should stand trial for Crimes Against Humanity. As for "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth"...well, let's just say that kid's lucky he doesn't lose all his teeth.
And as for those people walking around in a "Winter Wonderland", I rather hope they're not found until spring.
The guy who sings "I'll Be Home For Christmas" will probably arrive home to find that no one wants him home for Christmas, because they've heard his blasted song ten thousand times over the last two months.
And few songs inspire as much despair as "It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas" because that song is an omen, a harbinger if you will, like the moon turning to blood or the seas boiling, and you know that it's only the vanguard of a seething Four Horseman-esque horde of Christmas music.
I'll bet the guy who sang "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow" never had to dig out fifty feet of driveway under two feet of snow using only a worn-down plastic shovel.
Perhaps "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", but I hope he misses his exit.
A "White Christmas" is great fun, right up until your car goes off the freeway.
But the single worst Christmas song ever has to be "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" by Alvin & The Chipmunks. That nightmarish little ditty storms into unspeakable realms of awfulness. To paraphrase horror writer H.P. Lovecraft, it sounds like "the thin monotonous piping of a demoniac flute held in nameless paws". This song, I am sure, plays forever in Hell's waiting room.
Why do the stores do this? Why does every gas station, grocery store, mall, retail outline and EZ-Lube-Change joint of the face of earth start playing Christmas music come November? Nobody likes it!
Hear me, retailers: promise not to play a single Christmas song, and I'm your customer for life.
-JM