jonathanmoeller (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} jonathanmoeller) wrote,@ 2008-05-14 16:07:00 |
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The Authoritative 2008 Political Glossary
It seems like political terms are getting thrown about the news all the time these days. Primary! Superdelegate! Electability! But what does it all mean? To help with understanding, over the last three weeks I've been writing a comprehensive glossary for the 2008 election season, which I hope will help clear away some of the fog surrounding our politics.
Adolf Hitler – German dictator cited in a simile or a metaphor just before the climax of any political argument.
Ageism – Discriminating against people on the basis of age, which the media tells us is wrong, unless you are talking about John McCain.
Al-Qaeda – A loosely organized group of serial killers who, by use terror tactics, try to slaughter as many unarmed men, women, and children as possible to further their apocalyptic goals. Reviled across the world for their brutality and ruthlessness. Unless you are a professor on an American university campus, in which case they are “freedom fighters”.
Anonymous Sources – The reporter needed to make some stuff up so the facts would support his/her conclusion.
Apology – Nonsensical statement (admitting no guilt) designed to make an inconvenient issue go away. Only works if The Media happens to personally like the giver of the apology.
Atheist – A person who believes there is no God, and tends to be a total prick about it.
Blue State – Insipid generalization made by the Media in order to fill the space between ads. Taking this concept seriously is generally regarded as a sign of mental problems. (See “Red State”.)
Campaigning – Lying to the voters. It's like telling a woman she looks good in an ugly dress; everyone involved is lying, but civil bloodshed is kept to a sensible minimum.
Christianity – The religion dominating theocratic America, which explains why abortion, homosexuality, divorce, adultery, alcohol, violent video games, and pornography have been punishable by death since 2000.
Congressman – A unit of measurement. 1 Congressman equals approximately $125,000 in bribe money, depending on inflation.
Conservative – A political philosophy defending the right of people to make money without capricious government interference. Usually acquired right after making money.
David Vitter – Punchline.
Democrat - A rich person concerned with the plight of the poor while strenuously trying to avoid even accidental contact with poor people. Also known for a remarkable tendency towards political impotence, even when holding the majority.
Electability – Whatever a journalist happens to be thinking about at the time (see “Talking Head”.)
Eliot Spitzer – Punchline.
Endorsement – A statement made by an irrelevant person in affirmation of his own ego (especially true with writers and actors).
Environmentalist – A person who recites five times daily the Green Creed; “There is no goddess but Gaia and Al Gore is Her prophet.” Also tends to say “But you guuuuuyyys, it's good for the planet” a lot.
Europe – A good reason to buy stock in any business manufacturing hijabs.
Fascist – 1.) A follower of the political party established by Italian dictator Benito Mussolini after World War I. 2.) The other guy's candidate.
Flag Pin – 1.) The most vital, earth-shaking, all-important issue of the 2008 campaign. 2.) Filler for spaces between paid advertisements (see “The Media”).
Feminist Blogger – 1.) A woman who champions the rights of women everywhere, usually by engaging in monotonously shrill arguments with other women across the Internet. Cat pictures are usually involved. 2.) The downfall of John Edwards.
Fox News – A hateful, biased, and propagandistic news channel, due to their refusal to agree with everything the Democratic Party says.
George W. Bush – The source of all evil in the world. Once out of office, rainbows will fill the sky, lollipops will grow from trees, and unicorns will frolic on the White House lawn, according to official DNC literature.
Global Warming – A convenient excuse to raise taxes and impose fees, because, like, the world will end or something if we don't. (See also “Journalistic Integrity”.)
Green Movement – An massive international movement, spanning all colors and creeds, providing a venue for people to come together and be smugly self-righteous.
Hate Speech – Any criticism of a Democrat.
Iraq War – Nobody voted for it, nobody approved of it, and everyone opposed it from the start. Yet, somehow, there it is.
Islam – The religion of peace. Or else!
Latte-Liberal – A hateful insult. Also kinda true. (See “Democrat”.)
Larry Craig – Punchline.
Liberal – Passive-aggressive tendencies.
Libertarian – College student, usually one just exposed to the works of Robert Heinlein.
John Kerry – Thrown under a bus by the Clintons in 2004 so Hill could run in 2008. Also, a punchline.
Journalistic Integrity – Myth.
Marxist – 1.) Embittered Sixties holdout, usually on poor terms with personal hygiene. 2.) College student who, typically, has just read the first twenty pages of “The Communist Manifesto”. 3.) College student who really wants to impress that hot Literary Deconstruction grad student chick he met at Starbucks.
The Media – The people who provide the nonsensical filler between the paid advertisements in the newspaper and the commercials on TV. For TV, must have good hair, good teeth, and gender-appropriate firm bodies. For newspapers, must have a scruffy beard (if male) or a bad haircut (if female) and a willingness to adjust the facts to fit the narrative (see 'Anonymous Sources' above).
Nancy Pelosi – A pioneer for women's rights, since she proved that women, like men, can become utterly impotent.
New York Times – The Paper of Record, if the record happens to be for the number of times one paper can become a laughingstock.
OPEC – Is truly saddened by the rise in oil prices. (See “Campaigning”.)
Oprah – The person who chose our next President. You think I'm joking.
Osama bin Laden – Uncaught.
Our Troops – Supported by all. Some disagreements about the particular details of said support.
Political Blog – The nonsensical rantings of an unemployed crazy person. Serves much the same function as an asylum in 19th century society.
Primary – Elaborate political theater designed to obscure the fact that the superdelegates are the ones actually choosing the candidate. Because your vote counts.
Racist – Any criticism of Barack Obama.
Ralph Nader – Don Quixote without the charm.
Red State - Insipid generalization made by the Media in order to fill the space between ads. Taking this concept seriously is generally regarded as a sign of mental problems. (See “Blue State”.)
Registered Independent – A person who has voted a straight-party ticket since 1982 or so, but enjoys looking down on registered party members. Cites vote for Dukakis or Ford (or, in extreme cases, Perot) as proof of independent status.
Republican – A member of 2009's minority party.
Senator – A person afflicted with two disorders: 1.) A lust for the Presidency, and 2.) a lust for interns, subordinates, prostitutes, and occasionally random persons in airport bathrooms.
Sexist – Any criticism of Hillary Clinton.
Small government - Myth.
Starbucks – The mating grounds of the latte liberal.
Superdelegate – Faceless party functionaries who have acquired temporary importance. Will probably turn to drink, drugs, and suicide after the Democratic convention, once no one cares what they think any more.
Supreme Court – Heroic defenders of the Constitution and individual liberties, or soulless black-robed tyrants legislating brutalities from the bench. Depends on which way they happen to rule. (See “Fascist”.)
Taking Offense – How insignificant people gain political power.
Talking Head – A person who regards himself/herself as a serious journalist, all evidence to the contrary.
-JM
It seems like political terms are getting thrown about the news all the time these days. Primary! Superdelegate! Electability! But what does it all mean? To help with understanding, over the last three weeks I've been writing a comprehensive glossary for the 2008 election season, which I hope will help clear away some of the fog surrounding our politics.
Adolf Hitler – German dictator cited in a simile or a metaphor just before the climax of any political argument.
Ageism – Discriminating against people on the basis of age, which the media tells us is wrong, unless you are talking about John McCain.
Al-Qaeda – A loosely organized group of serial killers who, by use terror tactics, try to slaughter as many unarmed men, women, and children as possible to further their apocalyptic goals. Reviled across the world for their brutality and ruthlessness. Unless you are a professor on an American university campus, in which case they are “freedom fighters”.
Anonymous Sources – The reporter needed to make some stuff up so the facts would support his/her conclusion.
Apology – Nonsensical statement (admitting no guilt) designed to make an inconvenient issue go away. Only works if The Media happens to personally like the giver of the apology.
Atheist – A person who believes there is no God, and tends to be a total prick about it.
Blue State – Insipid generalization made by the Media in order to fill the space between ads. Taking this concept seriously is generally regarded as a sign of mental problems. (See “Red State”.)
Campaigning – Lying to the voters. It's like telling a woman she looks good in an ugly dress; everyone involved is lying, but civil bloodshed is kept to a sensible minimum.
Christianity – The religion dominating theocratic America, which explains why abortion, homosexuality, divorce, adultery, alcohol, violent video games, and pornography have been punishable by death since 2000.
Congressman – A unit of measurement. 1 Congressman equals approximately $125,000 in bribe money, depending on inflation.
Conservative – A political philosophy defending the right of people to make money without capricious government interference. Usually acquired right after making money.
David Vitter – Punchline.
Democrat - A rich person concerned with the plight of the poor while strenuously trying to avoid even accidental contact with poor people. Also known for a remarkable tendency towards political impotence, even when holding the majority.
Electability – Whatever a journalist happens to be thinking about at the time (see “Talking Head”.)
Eliot Spitzer – Punchline.
Endorsement – A statement made by an irrelevant person in affirmation of his own ego (especially true with writers and actors).
Environmentalist – A person who recites five times daily the Green Creed; “There is no goddess but Gaia and Al Gore is Her prophet.” Also tends to say “But you guuuuuyyys, it's good for the planet” a lot.
Europe – A good reason to buy stock in any business manufacturing hijabs.
Fascist – 1.) A follower of the political party established by Italian dictator Benito Mussolini after World War I. 2.) The other guy's candidate.
Flag Pin – 1.) The most vital, earth-shaking, all-important issue of the 2008 campaign. 2.) Filler for spaces between paid advertisements (see “The Media”).
Feminist Blogger – 1.) A woman who champions the rights of women everywhere, usually by engaging in monotonously shrill arguments with other women across the Internet. Cat pictures are usually involved. 2.) The downfall of John Edwards.
Fox News – A hateful, biased, and propagandistic news channel, due to their refusal to agree with everything the Democratic Party says.
George W. Bush – The source of all evil in the world. Once out of office, rainbows will fill the sky, lollipops will grow from trees, and unicorns will frolic on the White House lawn, according to official DNC literature.
Global Warming – A convenient excuse to raise taxes and impose fees, because, like, the world will end or something if we don't. (See also “Journalistic Integrity”.)
Green Movement – An massive international movement, spanning all colors and creeds, providing a venue for people to come together and be smugly self-righteous.
Hate Speech – Any criticism of a Democrat.
Iraq War – Nobody voted for it, nobody approved of it, and everyone opposed it from the start. Yet, somehow, there it is.
Islam – The religion of peace. Or else!
Latte-Liberal – A hateful insult. Also kinda true. (See “Democrat”.)
Larry Craig – Punchline.
Liberal – Passive-aggressive tendencies.
Libertarian – College student, usually one just exposed to the works of Robert Heinlein.
John Kerry – Thrown under a bus by the Clintons in 2004 so Hill could run in 2008. Also, a punchline.
Journalistic Integrity – Myth.
Marxist – 1.) Embittered Sixties holdout, usually on poor terms with personal hygiene. 2.) College student who, typically, has just read the first twenty pages of “The Communist Manifesto”. 3.) College student who really wants to impress that hot Literary Deconstruction grad student chick he met at Starbucks.
The Media – The people who provide the nonsensical filler between the paid advertisements in the newspaper and the commercials on TV. For TV, must have good hair, good teeth, and gender-appropriate firm bodies. For newspapers, must have a scruffy beard (if male) or a bad haircut (if female) and a willingness to adjust the facts to fit the narrative (see 'Anonymous Sources' above).
Nancy Pelosi – A pioneer for women's rights, since she proved that women, like men, can become utterly impotent.
New York Times – The Paper of Record, if the record happens to be for the number of times one paper can become a laughingstock.
OPEC – Is truly saddened by the rise in oil prices. (See “Campaigning”.)
Oprah – The person who chose our next President. You think I'm joking.
Osama bin Laden – Uncaught.
Our Troops – Supported by all. Some disagreements about the particular details of said support.
Political Blog – The nonsensical rantings of an unemployed crazy person. Serves much the same function as an asylum in 19th century society.
Primary – Elaborate political theater designed to obscure the fact that the superdelegates are the ones actually choosing the candidate. Because your vote counts.
Racist – Any criticism of Barack Obama.
Ralph Nader – Don Quixote without the charm.
Red State - Insipid generalization made by the Media in order to fill the space between ads. Taking this concept seriously is generally regarded as a sign of mental problems. (See “Blue State”.)
Registered Independent – A person who has voted a straight-party ticket since 1982 or so, but enjoys looking down on registered party members. Cites vote for Dukakis or Ford (or, in extreme cases, Perot) as proof of independent status.
Republican – A member of 2009's minority party.
Senator – A person afflicted with two disorders: 1.) A lust for the Presidency, and 2.) a lust for interns, subordinates, prostitutes, and occasionally random persons in airport bathrooms.
Sexist – Any criticism of Hillary Clinton.
Small government - Myth.
Starbucks – The mating grounds of the latte liberal.
Superdelegate – Faceless party functionaries who have acquired temporary importance. Will probably turn to drink, drugs, and suicide after the Democratic convention, once no one cares what they think any more.
Supreme Court – Heroic defenders of the Constitution and individual liberties, or soulless black-robed tyrants legislating brutalities from the bench. Depends on which way they happen to rule. (See “Fascist”.)
Taking Offense – How insignificant people gain political power.
Talking Head – A person who regards himself/herself as a serious journalist, all evidence to the contrary.
-JM
